


I will never stop choosing you, babe

by spanktomlinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: And harry isn't crazy, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Harry, Break Up, Closeted Harry, Closeted Louis, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Harry is a Little Shit, Harry is a Tease, He just wants to protect harry, Homophobia, I don't really know where this story is going tbh, I haven't really gotten that far yet, I promise, Im sure you guys know it, Its larry's theme song, Louis is too, M/M, Pls dont hate louis, SO, Smut, Title is from the song never stop by safetysuit, Top Louis, but i'm gonna try, but not for long ok, but that's what I'm gonna do, harry is so brave, he's just confused, i guess?, i have never written smut, it's a hard situation, just a fic about h&l coming out, like a lot of cheesy conversations about how much they mean to each other, lots of fluff, people just drive him to the edge sometimes, so forgive me for my awkward tags, so is louis, they take a break, they're still in the band, this is my first fic ever, though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-20 13:59:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11336943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spanktomlinson/pseuds/spanktomlinson
Summary: "C'mon Haz, don't make it sound like this is my choice. I hate it just as much as you do, but we can't have people finding out we still live together. Besides, I'll see you on stage in like an hour." Louis’s calm and logical words did nothing but grate on Harry’s raw nerves."Will you?" Harry didn’t even try to keep the bitterness out of his tone."What's that supposed to mean? Of course I will" Louis looked confused. With a hand on his hip and raised eyebrows, Harry wanted to kiss him, but he wanted to scream at someone even more."I just wasn't sure if today was one of the days we were allowed to make eye contact." He made sure to let all of the sarcasm and anger bleed through, ignoring the hurt blossom on Louis's face.OrThe one where Harry really, reaaaallly wants to come out and things get worse before they get better.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this isn't really my first fic, I sorta write a lot. But this is the first thing I've ever posted or let anyone read. It feels really personal. You guys get it. Just an unnecessary disclaimer, this is a work of fiction. I don't know or own anything related to the real boys. I just want every version of these boys, real or fictional to be happy and safe! So anyways, thanks for reading!

“Am I leaving the house first today, or are you?” He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, like he was accusing Louis of something. He knew it wasn’t Louis’s fault, that they were both just pawns being used and manipulated for the the entertainment of others. He didn’t want to take his frustration out on him, but it was all so unfair and overwhelming and Louis was the only one there that Harry could hurl his words at like knives.

 

“C’mon Haz, don’t make it sound like this is my choice. I hate it just as much as you do, but we can’t have people finding out we still live together. Besides, I’ll see you on stage in like an hour.” Louis’s calm and logical words did nothing but grate on Harry’s raw nerves.

 

“Will you?” Harry didn’t even try to keep the bitterness out of his tone.

 

"What's that supposed to mean? Of course I will" Louis looked confused. With a hand on his hip and raised eyebrows, Harry wanted to kiss him so bad, but he wanted to scream at someone even more.

 

"I just wasn't sure if today was one of the days we were allowed to make eye contact." He made sure to let all of the sarcasm and anger bleed through, ignoring the hurt blossom on Louis's face.

He knew he was starting a fight that no one would win, because there was no winner in this game where he hurt Louis and Louis stared right through him when there were other people around. How could there be a winner when neither of them even wanted to play, but their puppet strings were always being pulled so that Louis would laugh and Harry would smile and they would all sit on an uncomfortable couch in a stuffy room under too many lights, answering questions they’d already answered a hundred times. Harry hated interviews; he hated trying to make eye contact with Louis, while Louis just stared off camera or focused too hard on the shallow questions, always just trying to avoid Harry’ eyes.

 

Of course it was a whole different thing at home. They were in love, Harry knew that. When they had movie nights, Louis would stare at him more often than the screen. Harry cooked Louis breakfast every morning, and Louis would come stumbling into the kitchen with bed head and morning breath and he would kiss Harry until they were both hard and dry humping each other like teenagers. Their love was something Harry never knew he could experience. They were soulmates honestly, and Harry loved Louis more than anything. The only problem was the second they left their front door, they were back to being just two guys in a band, barely even friends. It hurt a lot.

 

“Harry, baby-”

 

Harry couldn’t let Louis finish, didn’t want to hear whatever lovely, optimistic thing that he would say that would make Harry melt into his arms, content with their terrible situation as long as he had part of Louis to himself. But he didn’t want to be content with just part of Louis; he wanted all of him, he wanted everyone to know this was his Louis. He was so tired of people looking at _his_ Louis. He was sick of people linking either of them with other women, or men. He was done denying who he is.

 

More than anything, Harry was mad. No, he was furious. He was only seeing red, he wanted to break everything in sight. He wanted to shout his anger from the rooftops. He wanted to hold all of this anger in, he wanted to stay angry. Not at Louis, he felt terrible about that as soon as the door slammed shut behind him. He couldn’t go back though; he couldn’t apologize until later tonight. He needed to bottle his anger up. He wanted people to see him like this. He wanted to be pissy during interviews, and jealous when people touched Louis. He wanted to stare at him all day, and he wanted the people who rooted for “Larry” to see what it all meant to him. He wanted the people who were against them to shut up for once, stop making excuses, look at what was right in front of them. He wanted to answer the Larry questions, not dodge them. He was done being on the front page with hired actresses. He was done reading about Louis sleeping around when he slept in a bed with him every night. He was done with all of the lies. He wanted to give people something real to talk about.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is just a little more of Harry being brave and Louis wanting to protect his boy! Hope you like it!

"I'm in love with Lou, and all his little things."

Louis looked up first to a screaming crowd, and then to a smirking Harry who was staring intensely at him. The crowd had obviously picked up on the not so subtle lyric change, and Louis didn't even want to know what would be trending on twitter the next morning, or what their management would say. He tried to laugh it off before going back to joking around with Niall, but Harry just _would not_  stop staring at him.

Through the rest of the concert it was changed lyrics and goofy smiles and Harry serenading him in front of thousands of people and Louis was so confused because between what happened earlier that morning and what was happening now, it seemed like somewhere along the way, Harry had dropped a weight he'd been carrying.

This is a Harry that Louis used to know in the X Factor house, all dimples and honest laughs with a shine in his eyes only meant for Louis. Yes, Harry's eyes had dulled a little recently and his laugh seemed a little forced sometimes, and it hurt Louis to see Harry hurting, and Louis didn't want to hide either, but he needed to do what was necessary to protect Harry. Honestly, if he weren't with Harry, Louis would've come out already, said screw the contract and been done with it. He could handle the things people would say; but Harry still saw good in this world. He expected kindness from others and only ever wanted to make people happy. Louis loved that about him, and he didn't want to see his boy's spirit crushed by the hatred he knew was waiting for them if they ever left the house at the same time. Maybe one day things would change, but he didn't ever want to bet Harry's happiness on the kindness of others, because that wasn't a bet he was willing to lose.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The rest of the week continued pretty much like that, with Harry touching Louis any chance he got. If an interviewer would touch Louis's leg, than so would Harry; if a reporter laughed at Louis's jokes, he would laugh harder. Honestly we was being so possessive, he might as well have just peed on Louis and gotten it over with. But he couldn't help it, he was love-drunk, dizzy with the thought of others knowing that Louis was his. More than anything, Harry wanted people to know how much he loved Louis.

During one of their interviews later that week, Louis excused himself to go to the bathroom and Harry not so subtly excused himself as well, hoping for a quick wank together before they had to start filming again. 

When Harry walked into the bathroom, Louis was standing at the sink, splashing cold water on his face. He couldn't resist it anymore, he walked right up to Louis, grabbed him by the hips and kissed him right in the open where anyone could walk in and see. Harry was giddy with the thought. 

Louis's mouth parted instantly, allowing Harry access. He couldn't help but let out a moan when he felt his tongue slide against Louis's. He was already  _so fucking hard._ What was wrong with him? But this was Louis, who could get him hard just by smirking. He was gone for this boy. So when Louis started to palm him through his jeans, he bucked up into his hand involuntarily. 

"You're suck a fucking tease, H. So needy for my attention." Harry could feel Louis's hot breath on his collarbone where he was leaning into Louis, unable to stand upright on his shaking legs. 

"Mmmmm" was all he could manage while Louis kept a hand around him and he continued fucking up into it. He was already so close, and only Louis could make a handjob feel like this. A handjob through his jeans, in a public bathroom! Christ, he felt like he was sixteen years old again, when all he and Louis could do was trade sloppy handjobs in their bunk beds, surrounded by their sleeping bandmates. The thought that anyone could catch them, could walk in and see what Louis did to Harry, that thought and one squeeze of Louis's hand was all it took for Harry to see stars, cumming hard in his jeans.

"Jesus, H. Didn't know you needed it that bad. You made a mess of your jeans." Louis looked nervous, like there had never been cum on Harry's jeans at an interview before (which was definitely not true).

"'s okay." Harry slurred. All he could focus on were Louis's lips, covered in Harry's spit , and how Louis's pupils were blown out with arousal. Everything about him screamed turned on and when Harry caught his own reflection in the mirror, he saw that the same went for him. He was breathing heavily and his cheeks were splotchy red. His lips were swollen and you could hardly tell that his eyes were green because of how blown out his pupils were. He looked like he'd just gotten fucked, to be honest, and it still surprised him that Louis could do this to him without even taking his dick out of his jeans. It made him feel warm and fuzzy inside that he was lucky enough to have spent years with this wonderful boy, and many more years to come, he hoped.

When he surged forward to latch onto Louis's collarbone with his mouth, Louis pulled him back at arm's length. He had to suppress a whine at the loss of contact.

"What are you doing, H?"

"'m kissing my boyfriend, What does it look like I'm doing?" Harry waggled his eyebrows mock suggestively.

"No," Louis stayed serious, "I mean with the lyric changes and dirty jokes on camera, trying to give me a hickey when we're about to go back to an interview.  _What_ are you doing??" Louis's tone wasn't mean, just confused and maybe a little hysterical. 

"Oh," Harry ran his hand down Louis's cheek, because he could, because Louis was _his_ and he wanted to see him shiver, "I'm just trying it out, see if I like it."

"Trying what out?"

"Freedom"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freedom. The word rung in Louis's head the whole rest of the day. Even after he and Harry had come home, had some mind-blowing sex, watched like eight episodes of Dexter, still all he could think about was the word "Freedom" and the wistfulness in Harry's voice when he had said it. 

Louis had been out of it for the remainder of the interview, after the whole bathroom debacle. No one asked about the stain on Harry's jeans, but that didn't seem to deter Harry's obvious advances. Throughout the rest of the interview, Harry would stare at him while he adjusted himself in his jeans. It was unnerving to say the least, and by the time they got home, Louis hardly had the door closed behind them before he was ripping Harry's clothes off and rimming him until he was crying.

Still, all he could think about was freedom. What did it mean to be free? He could think of a few things. Leaving the house at the same time as Harry, for one. Taking the same car, holding hands in public, kissing on stage for thousands to see and damn all those who didn't like it.  _If you don't want to see it, look away,_ he wanted to scream.

But no matter how he played it out in his head, the majority accepting them and the ones who didn't not mattering, Louis knew he couldn't risk how destructive the outcome might be on Harry. He knew the world was changing, becoming more accepting, but it would never be perfect. He couldn't predict what people would say, what crazy things people might do, or how things could change. What if the pressure of a public relationship was worse than a private one; what if it ended up breaking them up? It wasn't perfect at the moment, but Harry still wrapped himself around Louis in their shared bed at the end of the night, and Louis would do anything to keep it that way.

Of course he wanted to take Harry out, spoil him, show him off, but was that worth the slurs that would be hurled at Harry? Would it be worth Harry crying and Louis having to watch Harry's face fall at every stupid, hateful tweet? They'd already experienced a small part of it when people had first started talking about "Larry Stylinson". Of course there were the fans who saw the truth (all of their matching tattoos were kind of hard to write off as coincidences) but Louis still remembered the protesters outside of their concerts, the signs in their hands condemning Harry, the nicest guy on the planet, to hell. He remembered the fighting among the fans, the way they would try to pin him and Harry against each other, always claiming that one of them wasn't good enough for the other. But most of all, he remembered Harry growing distant, he remembered pressing his ear against the bathroom door, and Harry was always crying. It made him want to scream and break things; he just wanted to protect his boy from the whole ugly world.

And looking back, the bullshit tweet may have been a bit harsh, but he never meant to hurt Harry or any of their genuine supporters. He didn't hate Larry Stylinson, not really. He loved the videos and stories that fans would make about him and Harry. They were sweet, and it was always comforting to know that there were people out there who supported them no matter what, who wanted them to be happy. He just hated what some people's reaction to Larry Stylinson would do to Harry. He hated seeing how hurt Harry would get when fans would ask them about it, and they'd have to deny it or fans would mock the idea of them together. Still, he couldn't forgive himself for the way Harry's face fell and then became like stone after he had seen Louis's tweet. He wouldn't even make eye contact with Louis. He claimed to be fine but it took them months before they fully talked it out and were okay again.

Louis hated being in the closet, but it wasn't management or homophobes who were keeping him in; it was the fear of hurting Harry.  Louis would willingly shoulder all of Harry's burdens if he could. He would pry open Harry's hands and pull out all of the sadness that he held on to. He would weigh all of his pockets down with Harry's bad days. He would hide him from all of the dark things in this world. If he could, Louis would steal the sun to give to Harry. He would leave the rest of the world shrouded in darkness without a second thought, just so he could see Harry's face light up with each ray of sunshine that Louis would give him. Harry has always been the most important thing to Louis, so if it means holding a little bit of himself back in public, if it means not always touching or talking to Harry when he wants to, he'll do all of it, to protect his boy, his best friend, his soulmate. Louis would do anything to protect Harry, and he didn't care if that meant pissing even Harry off sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was my first time writing smut. Forgive me pls, it'll get better! :) Also, sorry if I'm moving the plot along kind of slowly, it will get better when it starts to pick up speed. I was a little more happy with this chapter. & Please don't hate Louis, he just wants what's best for Harry like always. Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments appreciated!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really happy with this chapter, honestly. Hope you guys like it!

Harry was  _pissed._ He was beyond pissed, actually. His hands were shaking, his vision was going red at the edges. He probably, no, he _definitely_ should not have been driving, but he had to see Louis; he had to look Louis in the eyes, remind himself what he was fighting for and why, he had to remind Louis to fight. He glanced down at his phone lying open on the passenger seat next to him, with an article open featuring a quote from Louis,  _his Louis._ " **You know, some of the fans like to make something out of nothing. I know a lot of people just do it for laughs, but sometimes it goes too far. Me and Harry are just good friends. Never have been more, never will be. I'm straight, and it's ridiculous that I even have to clarify that**." When Harry had first read it, he assumed it was fake. It happens all of the time, journalists making things up and adding some quotation marks around it to make it seem like he or one of the other boys had really said it. They did so many interviews and live appearances that it was hard to keep it all straight, and normally he would have let this go, thought of it as nothing more than someone fishing for a story and using Louis's name to get it. That was until he remembered the conversation he'd had with Louis earlier that day, where Louis had said something about doing an interview with the same magazine journalist whose name was signed at the bottom of the article. _It was real. Louis really said this_ were the words playing on a loop in his head. Louis had used the word ridiculous. The thought of Harry and Louis being together was _ridiculous._ He couldn't believe it. They had an agreement. Of course they couldn't come out, but they would always avoid the questions about each other or their sexuality, never affirming it, but never denying it either. Harry would nod along while Louis would talk circles around the question. "Some people genuinely believe we're in a relationship; they genuinely believe it" THAT was their line. Genuinely, apparently, all these words to make it seem like they were answering the question, when really all they were doing was repeating it. It was sad, but at least in a small way, it comforted Harry. To hear Louis muddle through the answer while he sat quietly, some people only hearing what they wanted to hear (a denial) while he knew others would analyze their reactions, their words, and they would know that it wasn't a denial after all. It got tiring to be analyzed all the time, but sometimes it was reassuring to know that there were some out there who knew the truth. He never wanted those who knew about them to turn their backs, or change their minds. As selfish as it sounded, he wanted at least someone out there to believe in their love, to know the truth, to root for them, even when it was hard for him to do it himself. 

Now Louis had clearly denied everything. The blurry wellington video where Louis had tried to kiss him, unaware of the cameras on them. He'd denied their chemistry at meet and greets, their sexual innuendos during interviews, the flirting on stage. All of it. This was what kept Harry going; when it seemed like there was no point in fighting anymore, he kept going because he knew that the love they shared could never be completely hidden. He knew that Louis's face would always soften when he looked at Harry, and he knew that Louis made him smile bigger, laugh harder, than anyone else ever could. But now, Louis had gone and thrown that all away, said it was nothing but laughter between mates. Harry felt his stomach knot up at the unfamiliar feeling of betrayal. It had always been him and Louis against the world, and he couldn't fight this battle on his own. He couldn't keep holding on if Louis was just gonna let go and give up. He  _needed_ Louis to believe in them like Harry did. 

He knew it was even harder on Louis. He  _knew_ that. Between the fake girlfriends and gay rumors, Louis had it the worst. It seemed like everyone wanted to pull him in a million directions and sometimes Harry could swear he saw Louis lift off the ground a small bit when someone tugged on his puppet strings too hard. He didn't want to pile things on top of Louis, he didn't want to hurt him more than he was already hurting, and he definitely didn't want to blame Louis for the shit situation they were in because he knew it wasn't Louis's fault at all. But, he needed someone to fight alongside him. He needed Louis to be the one to stand up to management, to roll his eyes on camera, to whisper sly remarks during interviews. Louis had always been stronger, braver than him. In times where Harry wanted to give up, Louis had been the one to keep fighting. And now when it seemed like Louis was getting tired of fighting, the thought that Harry might have to be the one to fight for them alone threw him into a blind panic. He knew he was being selfish, but he needed Louis to fight with him, and not against him. He couldn't stand it if the army against their love gained one more solider. A thought occurred to him, one that he had honestly never even considered because it seemed so far fetched.  _What if they lost? What if all of this fighting was for nothing?_ Harry felt himself go a little insane at the thought of a future without Louis, and he knew he would do whatever it took to keep this love in his life, the kind you only find once.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lou? LOU?? LOUIS!!!" Harry ran into the house, scared that Louis was already gone, what if Louis had left him, what if he had given up, what if it was too late  -

"Jesus Christ, Harry, what is the matter?" Louis stumbled out of the kitchen and Harry could swear he was an angel. He looked so soft and small, swimming in one of Harry's white shirts, his tattoos on display. There was still a trace of sleepiness in his blue, blue,  _blue_ eyes. Harry could literally go swimming in Louis's eyes. He wanted to live in the hollows of Louis's collarbones, sleep on the pillow of his bottom lip. God, Harry was such a creep, but all he wanted to do was love this boy forever. He sent a silent prayer to whatever God had created Louis, because there was nothing more beautiful than the way his nose crinkled when Harry ran to kiss him.

"'ve got bad breath, Haz. I just woke up from a nap." Louis lightly pushed him away. Harry wanted to cry. Louis was so beautiful, looking up at him curiously. His little hands dancing across his fringe, trying to flatten down the wayward strands. Harry wanted to capture this moment forever, because this was a Louis only he got to see. This was a vulnerable Louis, one who stands on his tiptoes to reach the tea mugs at the top of the cabinet ("Why do you put the mugs so high, H? You know I can't reach" And yeah, Harry knew, but he liked the way Louis looked like a kitten, limbs all stretched out to reach it until eventually Harry would come over and help him before Louis could climb onto the kitchen counter to do it himself). This was a Louis with morning breath, and eye boogers, and cold feet. He loved this Louis more than anything. He wanted nothing more than to wrap him up, carry him back to bed, and never leave the house again. But they couldn't do that. They had family, friends, people who counted on them, careers that counted on them. Harry didn't even realize he was crying until Louis was tutting and leading him to the couch in the living room.

"What's going on, Hazza? Tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying, baby?" The pet names pulled a hiccup out of Harry that hurt his chest and caused him to cry even harder. 

"Don't give up on us, Lou, please. I need you to fight for us." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Louis had just woken up from his nap and was about to make himself some tea when he'd heard the lock click and the front door open. Harry's home, he realized with a smile, and that was when Harry started to scream his name in a way that filled Louis with terror. Harry wasn't hurt, was he? Why did he sound like he was having trouble breathing??

When Louis ran out of the kitchen, only to see Harry perfectly okay, he was a little annoyed. He had missed Harry all day of course, but he'd also just woken up. He still had boogers in his eyes and a bad taste in his mouth, and he just really wanted some tea.

"Jesus Christ, Harry, what is the matter?" Louis looked the boy up and down. He didn't seem hurt. Albeit, he was breathing rather heavily and he looked a little out of it in his eyes, but nothing seemed wrong with him physically. Actually, he looked really good. He was wearing the skinniest jeans Louis had ever seen and his shirt was only buttoned half way, his hair fell to his shoulders and Louis really wanted to pull on it. He wanted to scratch at Harry's scalp and tug on his curls; he knew what kind of affect that had on Harry and he loved to see his boy relaxed on the couch with his head in Louis's lap, purring like a freaking kitten, until Louis would tug on a curl only to have Harry let out a long moan. Yeah, Louis loved Harry's hair a lot. Harry's shirt really brought out the green in his eyes, and Louis wanted to plant a whole garden in his eyes. His boy was so freaking beautiful, and he thanked whatever greater power there was that this boy was his and only his to love.

Louis glanced down at what he himself was wearing (one of Harry's many white shirts, and some comfy sweatpants); he knew he didn't look his greatest at the moment, he could taste his own breath and knew his hair must look a mess, but when he looked back up, Harry was staring at him with the most overwhelming love in his eyes. Harry had a look in his eyes that Louis had only ever seen reserved for Disney princesses. He didn't know what he did to deserve Harry looking at him like that, he was no Cinderella, but maybe he had been a hero in a past life and the universe was paying him back Either way, he was going to enjoy this boy and his love. He was going to hold on to it, hard, and never let go. 

Before he could even realize what was happening, Harry had wrapped his arms around him and was kissing him, bad breath and all. It wasn't like Harry hadn't kissed him with morning breath before but it was always when they'd both just woken up, so Harry had it too, and now Harry was looking clean and tasting fresh and Louis had just woken up from an hour and a half long nap in the middle of the day because he was a bum, and he didn't want to subject Harry to kissing him until he'd freshened up at least a little. Louis pushed him away, but made sure to let Harry know it wasn't because Louis didn't want to kiss him, because he always wanted to kiss Harry.

"'ve got bad breath, Haz. I just woke up from a nap." Louis cringed at how lazy that sounded. He'd just been so exhausted. The interview earlier had taken so much out of him. Having to say those terrible things about himself and Harry. He felt trapped; he knew once Harry had heard what he had said he would be hurt, but he also knew that if he hadn't said it, it would have hurt Harry more in the long run. Not denying the rumors just meant more publicity stunts with more fake girlfriends. The less the public believed in Larry Stylinson, the more likely management were to leave the boys alone and let them just be. But he knew he should probably tell Harry what had been said before he read it for himself. He knew Harry was very sensitive about the things said about them, and he didn't want him thinking that Louis was giving up on them. He could never give up on Harry.

Louis's stomach fell to the floor when he saw Harry's tears well up and start to spill over. Oh no, oh no,  _oh fuck._ Harry must've already seen the article or quote or whatever the fuck and Louis could feel guilt wash over his whole body like cold water, raising every hair on his body straight up. 

"What's going on, Hazza? Tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying, baby?" Louis already knew the answer, but what Harry said broke his actual fucking heart. He could feel his chest crack in two.

"Don't give up on us, Lou, please. I need you to fight for us." 

"Oh Harry, baby, no. I will always fight for us. You are the most important thing to me. I will never let go. Do you believe me, baby? I need you to believe me." Louis could feel himself drawing close to tears. He knew Harry would be upset, but he never thought it would affect him like this. He never thought Harry would ever think he could give up on them. 

"How could you say that then, Lou? How could you say we're not more than friends?" Harry's voice sounded so broken. Louis wanted to die.

"They made me say it, Haz. I said it for us. I didn't want them taking the rumors out on us, making us go out with more beards. Harry, I didn't say it to hurt you. I just wanted them to leave us alone."

Harry looked empty when he looked back up at Louis, all of his tears drying up, and nothing left in his eyes. Louis was scared, he'd seen all different sides of Harry, but never this one, never one that looked at Louis so devoid of emotion. 

"I'm going to stay at Niall's for the night."

Louis felt a shudder wrack his whole body. This had never happened. This couldn't be real. Harry couldn't be waving the white flag in surrender. Before Louis could process what Harry had said, the door had slammed shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry if this chapter was a little weird. I really enjoyed writing it, but let me know what you guys think. I've always really loved writing one scene from each point of view and I also love reading fics written like that, so let me know how you feel about it! Also, Harry isn't crazy okay, people just drive him to the edge sometimes. I'm definitely going to add more to this chapter later. I just wanted to get something up.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever been so in love that it hurts? Because that's about where H&L are at right now.

 The drive to Niall's flat felt endless. All Harry could do was go over he and Louis's fight again and again in his head. Maybe he'd been overdramatic; maybe he should turn around and apologize. He knew he was once again taking it out on Louis when it wasn't his fault and wasn't that the story of Harry's fucking life; always screaming and yelling the right things at the wrong person. 

The truth was, it hurt him to look at Louis sometimes. His beauty blinded Harry and his cheekiness and charm overwhelmed him. Everything seemed to come so easy to Louis. People loved him. Louis brightened up every room he walked into; he could make anyone laugh, he could make anyone blush. He could carry on an intelligent conversation, voice fully formed opinions with such grace, and to top it all off, he was the hottest goddamn thing to ever walk the earth. It scared Harry to think of what a miracle Louis really was. It put so much pressure on Harry to  _just be better, to be worthy of Louis._ He loved everything about his boyfriend, but sometimes when Louis would wrap an arm around his waist for a picture or pat him on the knee, it burned where he touched him. Sometimes in the best way, sometimes in the worst way. Sometimes he wanted to push Louis off of him, he wanted to scream and run and never have to look at Louis's beautiful face again, never hear his laugh or watch the way he flicked his hair out of his eyes. Other times Harry wanted to grab him. He wanted to pull Louis closer than any two people could physically ever get and never let go. He was just so hyper aware of where Louis was and how he was feeling all the time; he cared about Louis so much it actually made his chest ache. Everything felt so raw and intense and Harry just missed the piece and quiet he once had, before his mind was a never ending stream of  _LouisLouisLouis._

He could feel himself drowning. Continuously tugged below the surface with just enough time for quick shallow breaths of reality before waves of overwhelming love pulled him back down again. He was suffocating, choking on his own obsessiveness. Louis was his anchor, a weight that Harry carried with him always. He knew he was losing himself, dropping vital pieces of his personality so he could pick up parts of Louis. They were bleeding into one another and Harry was having trouble figuring out where Louis ended and he began.

Did he like Grease because of the catchy soundtrack, or because of the way Louis quietly mouthed along to every word? Did he watch Friends because it was a good show and had always been one of his favorites? Then why did he now ignore the onscreen dialogue to instead listen to the sound of Louis's laughter? Everything he thought of, watched, or listened to had some hint of Louis attached. It had gotten to the point where he wondered if his opinions were even his own anymore. To be fair, Louis had never tried to change Harry, or make him to be more like Louis (except for maybe trying to convince him that Grease was in fact the greatest musical of all time, and maybe Harry agreed with him a little bit), but that made it even worse. Without trying, Louis had burrowed himself into the center of Harry's entire existence. Every opinion Harry had was followed by a fact about Louis. His favorite color was the blue of Louis's eyes, his favorite shirt had become his favorite shirt after he saw how Louis looked swimming in it, his favorite shows and movies were the ones that had Louis laughing the hardest, crying the sweetest, snuggling the closest to Harry. Everything surrounding him all of the time was _LouisLouisLouis._  He was so lucky to experience such a great love with someone as incredible as Louis. But then why did he feel so resentful? He'd been with Louis since he was sixteen, and sometimes he questioned who he would've been without him. Would he still like Grease? What would his favorite TV show be if he didn't have Louis's laugh to listen to? What kind of music would he listen to if every love song didn't remind him of Louis? But Harry knew that at the end of the day, none of that stuff really mattered. No matter how much time he spent away from Louis, he would still just be Harry-without-Louis.

In the same way that Louis held him under water, he was also an anchor that kept Harry from floating away completely, into the sky, never to be seen again. Louis  _anchored_ Harry. In moments where Harry wanted to disassociate himself, allow his brain to leave reality, when Harry could feel his brain go fuzzy and he couldn't quite remember what he was meant to be doing, a gentle hand on his knee or a firm arm around his waist was always able to ground him. 

No, he could never be without Louis for any significant amount of time, and he felt sorry for the way he'd handled something that Louis clearly hadn't meant to hurt him with. He would just stay the night at Niall's, giving both he and Lou some space, before going back home and apologizing in the morning. They were both upset and in a shit situation, but it always found a way to work itself out in the end. He was sure it would all be okay.

 

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Nothing was going to be okay! Louis had never seen that look on Harry's face before! Were they breaking up??  _No no no no nonono fuck!_ He tried calling Harry but after leaving his sixth voicemail, he figured his phone was either off or Harry was ignoring him. He could always go to Niall's and talk to Harry there, but he didn't want to make anything worse. If Harry wanted space, Louis would give him space, but he  _could not_ stay in their home alone. Just the thought had him filling a duffel bag with clothes and dialing his mom's number.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jay opened the door to a side of Louis that she hadn't seen since the day he had decided to finally come out to her (as if she cared at all about gender rather than how someone treated Louis, and as if she didn't know that Louis loved Harry the minute he laid eyes on him). Louis looked how he had sounded on the phone: anxious, confused, and heartbroken.

"Oh, Boo." And with the gentleness and understanding in those two words, Louis was home. Before he even dropped his bag, he was launching himself at her and Jay was gathering him up into her arms while his sobs shook both of their bodies until all he had left in his system was a runny nose and the occasional sniffle.

"I'm going to make us some tea, and you're going to calm down enough to explain to me what's going on with you and H." Her firm words where lightened by a gentle hand on Louis's cheek, who let out another loud sniffle at the mention of Harry, but nodded nonetheless before following his mom into the kitchen.

 

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"I get why you said it, Lou, I do. But I also understand why Harry is upset. It isn't fair; you're both fighting a war that shouldn't even be yours to fight. You're fighting for your relationship, the people who support you, even the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. I know you said what you felt like you had to say, but it must've upset some people, Lou."

Louis felt his eyes go misty at that again, before digging the heel of his hands into each eye.  _Damn, he needed to stop crying so much._ He was meant to be the strong one. He couldn't keep saying this stupid shit, he couldn't keep hurting people.

"I know, mum. I didn't think before I said it and I hate lying to everyone and now I've hurt Harry and probably made some young kids hate themselves for being who they are. And everyone probably hates me now. I'm the fucking worst."

"LOUIS, language!! And you are not the worst! You simply said a bad thing when your only other option was to say something worse. You and H are so young, and you're having to make some really touch decisions and you're handling it better than anyone my age or even older could."

He didn't even realize that he was crying _again_ until Jay was leaning forward and wiping at the tears under his eyes. 

"You're beautiful, you know that, mum?" And he meant it. Looking at the woman in front of him, Louis was overwhelmed with love. This was the woman who taught him how to walk, taught him how to talk, and when he got older, how to shut up. She taught him how to be a good brother, a good son, and one day, a good dad. She taught him how to love unconditionally, and to not give up when things got hard. He wouldn't be someone who could love Harry through all of this, if his mom wasn't there first, teaching him how to be the kind of man who deserved Harry. He just reallllyyyy loved his mom.

"Oh, Hushhh. Get to bed and call H in the morning. It'll all work out , Lou. You two are made for each other." She smacked a wet kiss on his cheek.

"Night, mum."

"Night, Boobear."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't even tell me that Jay didn't call Harry "H". I'm sorry, I just couldn't write a fic without her. I might add more to this chapter later, idk.


End file.
